Mispronounced Articulation

Almost Settled...Again.

2011-12-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

Greetings from Littleton, Colorado...my new home. I've settled into a new apartment and a new job as a maintenance technician at a nearby apartment community. I spent just about four weeks living with my aunt and uncle in Denver before I was able to secure a job. It was quite a relief as you can probably imagine. I didn't wait long to find my own place as living with others has been an adventure but I was most definitely ready to get back to a sense of normalcy. I apologize for the short, poorly constructed sentences...I'm tired and my thoughts are not flowing like they normally would as I write.I'm not sure what 2012 will bring but I face it head on. I know that I have learned many lesson over the past few months, and will not be afraid to take big risks nor stay somewhere that has a negative impact on my mind. As always, I am never without ideas or plans. I am now trying to reset my finances and begin preparing for my next adventure.

On The Road Again...

2011-10-21T00:34:00.000-07:00

I'm hitting the road again in less than 5 hours. It's late and I can't sleep. I'm left with the sounds of the house and my thoughts of the journey so far. It's been quite the adventure. I will miss Washington state and my wonderful hosts. Sometimes I wonder what I have done to be so lucky to have such wonderful friends in my life. Certainly not all my karma is bad. So it's on to Denver with a short layover in Salt Lake City to see friends. So to safe travels and a good journey...salute.

50 days

2011-10-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

It was 50 days ago that I left Ohio and set out on this great adventure. Reluctantly, I towed along my younger brother hoping to give him a better perspective on life. Our journey took us through eight states, ending in Washington. The look on his face as we journeyed through the mountains was priceless. This kid's eyes were seeing a new world for the first time. The journey as is any was not without its stresses. Four days in a vehicle with anyone can make the world seem small and very irritating. We however, did survive and were stronger for it...at least this is what I tell myself. We were put up by friends whom until this journey, I had not met face to face. I am forever grateful for the kindness and hospitality shown to both me and my rather reclusive brother whom spent most of his time stowed up in a bedroom playing Xbox. We were shown the area and all that it had to offer. Our guides did a fantastic job and fed us well. At the end of Labor Day weekend I decided I wanted to stay rather than continue on another 2000 miles to Anchorage, Alaska. This decision changed everything.By the end of September I was stressing about finding work and dealing with my brother's decision to join the Navy. He and I had a conversation about life, optimism, responsibility, family, and friends. I believe this conversation was a catalyst for his departure and Thursday, October 13 he boarded a plane to head back to Ohio, his family, and dearly missed friends. I've not spoken to him since. I hope that he has gained something from this trip and I will have to remember that he is a kid and kids make promises they can't keep. I have to remember that I was not like him at 18 nor did I have the easy life he has had. I have to look past the excuses and say, "well, it was expected." and move on. It's best to look forward and to beyond, allowing the past to settle behind you.Today I have been in Washington for 46 days. It has not been easy. I have made myself sick stressing about money and a job. It's never a good time to just up and leave a stable steady job and friends and family...doubly so in these tough economic times. I have been fortunate and hard times are made easier by having such caring friends who have put up with me for this time. These folks have been unbelievable in providing me with a place to stay and awesomely delicious meals, asking for nothing in return. I am indebted to them for all their kindness. I have a second interview tomorrow with a logistics company on the other side of the Puget Sound. I am a bit apprehensive and say that out of honesty only. The job market doesn't appear to that be that tough out here as there are jobs galore. I unfortunately have a very narrow experience line and I believe this has kept me out of the few jobs I qualify for. There have been interviews, followed by disappointing phone calls of rejection. It has been a learning experience and a humbling one at that. If this does not produce a job then I will have to enact Plan B. This means leaving here and heading back east. I will make a stop in Denver, Colorado in hopes that my family there could assist me for a time. Please keep in mind that this is a mean to an end. I'm not sure that anything would be different there or even if they could assist. I always knew there was a risk of failure but not trying was a greater failure. So if today's results are disappointing then it's on to Denver. If that turns out to be a bust then I will return to Ohio, head held high as I can say...At least I attempted.I write all of this to give the world my perspective on things and where my mind is currently. I've shied away from the social media outlets, keeping my Twitter and Facebook friends in the dark a bit. Sometimes it's best to say nothing rather than fill the world with negative rants and self loathing stories. I have found that there is a common theme coming from those I left behind. It's always the same thing that these well wishers are hoping I find what I'm looking for. Funny thing is, I'm not looking for anything except a new place to call home and an environment conducive to my thinking. I have known for a very long time what it is in this life I want but unfortunately I have always put that aside for various reasons. My dreams have never died and burn brightly in my heart. Those who know me best should be well aware that I don't have the same wants and desires as my contemporaries. I tried living like everyone else and found myself miserable. Perhaps I am destined to always feel this way, inadequate and failing the expectations of others. I cannot dwell on these things. I am mobile and have the luxury of only having to care for myself. This affords me the opportunity to try things that others may not or can not. Please don't disrespect me because you do not understand. Accept my crazy faults and over the top ideas or let me go forever. Know this. I have far too long lived in the shadows of broken dreams. I may not get what I want out of this life but I will be true to myself and can never be satisfied until I feed the hunger inside.

Turn Turn

2011-07-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about doing away with this blog. I never seem to post anything here anymore. This is mostly due to the fact that no one wants to read the endless bitching or whining that would be expressed here if I did indeed post more. I really have no basis for my rants or bitching. Really, I'm not handicapped, or defective, or non-productive. I have my wits about me. I'm not drowning in debt or in a failed relationship. I'm not unemployed. I don't have enemies, or at least any that I know of. As a matter of fact I am just your average dude imprisoned by his thoughts and anxieties and nothing more. I don't really do anything or go anywhere. I couldn't be more mundane, lackluster or boring. I have great wanderlust that will forever be like a splinter in the mind. I think it's inevitable that I will be internally irritable the rest of my life as I will never be able to leave this place. Those who know me best should pump their fist in joy at my complete failure to act and by not acting, I assure my place at the will of others. I find it fitting that if I end the journey of this blog it will be by merely stating the facts and not some glorified, over pompous statements.

It must be stated though that my level of commitment to anything is bleak at best and my mind changes as quickly as the weather. I could wake up tomorrow with a crazy burr in my rear and just act on whatever impulse I feel. Then again, I'm not that impulsive.

Maybe today is just a bad day? Maybe I'm overly tired and super emotional? I don't know. Maybe some sleep and a bit of time will change my uneasy mind.

I will end with a quote from the Romanian philosopher Emile M. Cioran:
"Negation is the mind's first freedom, yet a negative habit is fruitful only so long as we exert ourselves to overcome it, adapt it to our needs; once acquired it can imprison us."

Today's Thought

2011-03-07T11:21:00.002-08:00

The follow quote rings so true that it is almost haunting.

"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia...You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present." — John Green

Busy

2011-03-03T13:15:00.008-08:00

I've been busy. It's true. I've gotten back into genealogy as well as doing some projects for some friends. So between that and other research projects I've been too busy to notice that it's March already. It's crazy. What the hell happened to January and February? I mean they should have drug on seeing as how there was ton of snow and ice dumped on the central Ohio area and the temps were frigid to say the least. Apparently none of this was enough to make me take notice the speed of which the days were moving. I have also started or restarted I should say, making summer plans. I was thinking about Europe but I don't think the money is going to be there unless I choose a single destination like the Emerald Isle. Either way it looks less and less like that will occur. I'm also toying with the idea of taking no trip or vacation and saving my cash for a move out west. I just don't know. I've got a lot of ideas swirling around in the ol' brain but as is always the case, I never see them to fruition. My thoughts have been surprisingly clear in regards to the future. I have a "get the hell out or be stuck forever" mentality going on. This in return lights a fire under my ass. Yes, I know what you are saying or thinking...I've talk about this shit for going on several years. Perhaps that's why I don't post on here as much. Everything I say has been said so what's the point? The options are there I just have to have the bullocks to see them through.

I actually have much to tell but will have to either update an unfinished post or create a new post altogether at another time. I can say that I had a surprise birthday party thrown for me by bestest friends and I got a new laptop free, from Google. Also, I didn't wake up rich or thin this morning so that would be it for now.

Toodles.

Water's Edge

2011-01-02T21:30:00.001-08:00

I think there comes a time when all things being the same that a change must occur.

The question is how? Do events push or force the change or do we facilitate the change voluntarily? And so in doing so do we reap the rewards of an outcome more in line with our perception? When the course of events lead to the same outcome as the times before then it is within our duty to progressively alter this thus giving us the desired result. At some point however, we must hit a threshold, we must cross our Rubicon in order to make it so. Thought alone is not always enough. We cannot settle on the banks peering to the other shore. We must engage the opposition head strong and knowing full well the risks of our decisions. There is that invisible line that we must cross. Sometimes that too is not enough. Sometimes we have to burn our ships upon landing so as no retreat is available. This ensures the finality of the decision.

I too have come near the water's edge. I have yet to cross the distant sea. When I do, do I burn my ship or return to fetch supplies? A 1300 year old lesson is not lost upon me. Much to think about I have or perhaps the outcome has already been decided?

Happy New Year

2010-12-19T16:44:00.011-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted. I suppose I use my blog to work out thoughts and ideas, voice concerns, bitch, and occasionally cheer. As of late I've been keeping quiet. I've found it's best not to discuss the many things I ponder daily. Some things are best left unsaid. Ya dig? Anyway,on to the normal thought hemorrhage that is this thing.

So it is in my view that my life is always without adventure or excitement and devoid of meaning. Pretty mundane really but that's not all that bad. I suppose the trick is to not accept that, but go with it as far as necessary which is what I do best. I would say that I find no meaning in my life but I think I would be mistaken. I have learned that I'm not really looking and therefore don't see what others seem to. I forget the importance of a helping hand, a friendly touch, or a non-judging ear. I forget the strength you can give someone by just being there for them, understanding them, letting those around you be themselves...completely unfiltered. Meaning, like a great many things is in the eye of the beholder. With that I have come to realize that my life has more significance for others than myself, which is not that bad. I'm not sure why I put such a significance on meaning. I suppose I feel I'm lacking something or that I'm not doing enough. I know there are a great many injustices in this world and yet I sit. Just something I ponder.

I guess this is also my annual year in review post.

2010...

For me, 2010 was just another year. It wasn't as dramatic or as exciting as 2009. It was doomed to be plain from the get go. So that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it. If anything, I can say that 2010 was the year I solidified my philosophic ideals, decided what I didn't want in my life, and grew as a humble human being on this tiny blue dot in the middle of a vast and unknown universe. It was the year that finally got some understanding from my father and allowed my little brother into my world. It was the year that I decided not to tell my mother how I felt about certain issues and just supported her unconditionally. It was the year my Gramma battled cancer for the second time in a decade and it was through her pain and the family conflicts that followed that I found my resolve and my voice.

2010 was also the end of a decade of struggle. So much has happened in the 10 years since 2000 and without rehashing everything I point out a few milestones and what nots.

I started out the decade as a rebellious, pot smoking, beer drinking kid with anger and patience issues. I could barely grow facial hair and was about 20 pounds heavier than I am now. I was working two jobs and was six months into my first apartment. I had just bought my first new vehicle. All my free time was spent fishing, hunting, and partaking in self medication. I didn't care what tomorrow would bring let alone years down the road. I lived in the now...albeit vaguely and irresponsibly. I look back with a bit of fondness in the total lack of responsibility that I had and my ability to take risks. I lived for the moment, almost hedonistic. I think back to the woman I was with...she's married now and has several kids which I found so odd. It's really is strange now, thinking back to that time...

I moved around a lot over the last decade, even jumped to another state for three years. I got married and divorced. I was in debt to my ears and then worked my way free. I owned a house and several cars, all within the decade.

I spent the last 10 years searching for and living out everyone's American dream. You know what? I didn't like it. It's not me. I'm not the 9 to 5'er with the massive mortgage and multiple cars struggling to just breath. I'm not the guy filling a void in his heart with stuff he can't afford. I'm not the iconic family man mowing the yard and barbecuing on Sundays. Does that mean that I don't want some of these things? Not really but as I age I find it less likely.

What I am is the friend, the son, the guy you call for help. The lonely bachelor not so alone with my plant and the quiet solitude of my roost and the piece of mind that I strive to do the right thing always. I'm the drifter, the shoulder, laborer, confidant, the rock, and a barrel of laughs.

I didn't intend on making this post so long. I know that I could have covered so much more from the last decade but why? My story isn't that interesting and I honestly have a hard time remembering. I also apologize for the writing in this post. There are at least four different sessions of writing here put together into one. So if it seems choppy or confusing, you know why. One last thing...

2011...

I don't make resolutions but I do have a few goals for this year. I want to relocate. It's the Pacific Northwest or bust. I need to drop some holiday weight and slow down on my vices...aka da beer. Aside from that I just hope this year finds me healthy and of a logical and sound mind. My best to you and yours...Happy New Year!

My So Called Life?

2010-10-26T18:08:00.003-07:00

A thought crosses my mind. People I know in general have lives just as mundane as my own. You see, I recently was contacted by someone I haven't talked to in 12 years. They were interested in what I've done and where I've been. So after a few brief emails it occurred to me that perhaps the fact that I've lived out of state and travel to the 49th state that maybe just maybe my life has not been as boring as I perceive it to be. I suppose that I figured by now I would have traveled the world. Maybe I still think I can and perhaps that's why I'm so reluctant to set down roots somewhere. You could say I'm drifting...sort of. I've considered volunteering with some non-religious organization for the chance to both travel and to do something worth doing. If I had more money I would fly to the UK and volunteer at the Hungate site in York.

Sadly, I surround myself with both friends and family yet somehow, at the end of the day I feel alone. Why is that? Is it because I'm secretly terribly unhappy? Is it because I have an uncanny way of feeling alienated even by those closest to me? Is it because I feel unable to express myself and discuss the things that keep me up at night? Is it because I'm an ass, severely lazy, and unmotivated? Perhaps it's all of the above?

I wish I was more interesting and some days I wish I could be an asshole and tell the world to fuck off because I'm working on it. I wish the anxiety I have and get would just go away.
At the end of the day I hide in my little roost rotating between sleeping, reading, and movie watching. Exciting my ass. Merry mundane.

Now

2010-10-13T18:45:00.004-07:00

Stagnation. That sums up the feeling I have right now. I don't have a plan. I have ideas but what is that worth? I am bothered. I am tired. I don't seem to have the answers and frankly neither does anyone else. It seems these days I get scolded from both sides of the road. I am what I am and that needs to be my driving force. Nothing else. I do find myself confused from time to time but I'm not sure who is manipulating who for what end. Do I fall back to the ideas I had last season? Do I explore new ideas? Do I hold out waiting for fate to intervene? I sigh, and I wait...for now.

What If?

2010-10-13T18:41:00.001-07:00

What if is a question I like to ask. So let me ask. What if this life is not all that there is? What if there is something beyond death? What if death is just a transition from one form to another? What if everything we know, everything we do, everything that has been is unhidden and known to the dead? What then? What does it mean if this life is not it and we have no secrets? Forget religion. Forget dogma. What if we answer to ourselves? Remember that time that you did that thing that you never told anyone? What if everyone knew? Changes the game right? So what if death is not the end? Then why fill our time with distractions? Why are we not trying to explore death? What are we really? What if all we have are memories and thoughts? What is really important? What if I'm right? What if I'm insane? What if I'm wrong? What if?

Nightmares

2010-09-29T18:03:00.001-07:00

Do you ever have nightmares? I haven't since I was a kid...well that was until a few weeks ago. I find myself waking up in shear terror suspended somewhere between the realm of sleep and the awake. Not fully aware of what is actually going on...I scream as I see giant spider like machines dig into my legs or float above my head...then they disappear...which means I wake up. Now, awake I throw off my covers in a furry, flip on the lights and breath. I'm also tormented in the night by strange creatures, insect like trying to subdue me. Some times it's terribly frightening and other times it's just weird. There is so much more but I'm uncomfortable sharing.
Let it suffice to say that I am haunted in my dreams.

Libation

2010-08-23T19:15:00.004-07:00

Last night was interesting to say the least. I drank a bit too much wine and let down my guard. It was one of those moments that caused me to go...what the hell was I thinking last night. Upon reflection, I'm slightly relieved. I spend much of my time carrying with me the weight of words from others, stories they needed to share, acts they've done, things they just needed to get off their chest but somewhere in there is my hidden baggage. Somewhere in there is the truth, honest and completely uncensored, not hidden by fear. Last night I let a little slip out. It happens and I believe I'm better for it. Sometimes we just have to let people know what we think and how we feel. All we can do is put it out there and hope for the best, not looking for any answer per say but the acceptance of what's been said. It's not intended to hurt or change things but make clear our thoughts. Sometimes wine can be a liberating libation.

Today Again

2010-08-22T17:23:00.003-07:00

I'm sitting here listening to music and drinking wine. It's not a beer kind of mood. I've spent the better half of my waking time over the past few days thinking and feeling. I've let a series of small setbacks get me down. My impatience with life has gotten the best of me. I've grown frustrated with things...very mundane things. I feel...disconnected. It's not for a lack of trying. Every time I turn around the world presents me with more examples of how I'm just a deviation off. It's my own fault really. My ability to have a meaningful conversation about things really important to me seems to crumble under my inability to accept the criticism from those closest to me. My foundations have been shaken and what was once clear has become muddled and foggy. Life becomes most difficult when I travel without a guiding star.

I wanted to stop writing or at least stop publishing my stuff on here. I worried about what you the reader would say, not in comments but in those moments we are face to face. I've had trouble when questioned about what I write or think. I've felt as if I've been on the wrong side of a punchline. So weird for me to say really. Well, I've decided to say fuck it. I feel that if the reader takes my words out of the context for which I have penned them then they can use their own mind to determine whatever fanciful conclusion best suits them, good or bad. It is what it is. So I humbly apologize for any offending works prior to this or any going forward but as it's been said to me...get over it. It is what it is.

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

Disconnect

2010-08-16T08:02:00.003-07:00

All quiet on the Eastern front. I don't have much to say. I just can't shake this disconnect I feel. I'm thinking about shutting everything down for a while...fading into obscurity. A life examined is said to be worth living however upon examination one finds a life that has yet to be lived and therefore has nothing to offer currently.

One brief statement...

Please don't discount how I feel or what I think. Please don't ask condescending questions. Don't build yourself up off of my back. Don't concern yourself with solutions. Accept that you don't understand and that you can only see the surface. Just be.

One last thing...

Bring me a stiff drink, I have to put on my strong face. Turn up the music and get the hell out of my way.

Disclaimer: This post makes about as much sense as this:

Which means we're fucked.

Fell asleep on the keyboard

2010-08-10T01:39:00.000-07:00

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Same Ol' Song

2010-08-09T11:00:00.002-07:00

Well I'm back from my latest venture north. No worse for wear really, though I could argue that my best interests have not been in the forefront of thought today. I'm jet lagged, sleep deprived, and thoroughly bummed. It's to be expected...it's Monday, the day after my vacation. Such is life. Unfortunately I can't turn off the thought and mood generator. That would simplify things for sure. I'm not sure what I expected in the great north. Oh, please don't get me wrong...I treasure my time there. I do. I enjoyed it more so than most folks will ever know. I just didn't want to leave.

Now I'm back to the same old song and dance, back to the grind.

You know, I'm not sure I can really explain to anyone my desire to be in Alaska. I'm also not entirely sure anyone really understands. Ok, maybe they do but I will probably never know. So I prepare. I prepare for the bombarding questions, accusations, and poor timed jokes that are to follow me in my coming days. I ready myself for the unknown and that really is the hardest part...the unknown.

I have other things on my mind, things for another, more private post but more none the less.

Tomorrow should be a better day as the sting of today will be less harsh. So never mind my melancholy for it to shall pass.

Greetings from the North

2010-08-06T16:06:00.003-07:00

Just stopping by to say hello. The weather up here has been bittersweet. It's been awesome in the realm of temperature with highs in the 60's and lows in the 50's but the flip side is the rain. Such is to be expected as the summer draws to a close in Alaska. I know I don't miss the 80's and 90's back in Ohio and I definitely don't miss the freaking humidity. I've managed to get out and hike a bit but not as much as I should have. I actually forgot my camera yesterday as I was out an about but no fret since I have plenty of pictures from last year at some of the same locations. I did get to some new places and the picture is from one of them. It was taken near Eagle River, Alaska.

On a side note, I am sadden by the thought of this week drawing to a close. Thus far my job prospects have fallen through but I'm not about to give up. This is where I intend on being and so it shall be. I have enjoyed my time here with my friend and her son. We've been shopping and there's been swim lessons, dinners and lunches, dog walks to the park, playgrounds and story time. It's been nice. She and I went to a concert last night at the Moose's Tooth. Cake was the headliner. It was the first tap celebration of the Moose's Tooth's brew Chocolate Cake...a super dark and rich beer. It was crowded but good times were had by all. *Think jazz fingers* We are rounding it all out with a trip to Seward tomorrow and one that I am certainly looking forward to. All in all it's been a very ordinary week in an very unordinary place and I have enjoyed every lasting bit of it.

Back To Alaska

2010-07-13T18:53:00.002-07:00

I'm 17 days out from heading back to Anchorage. I am so looking forward to this trip. I wish I could say that it's strictly pleasure but I've got business to attend to. It's still going to be a blast. I'm really excited to see my friend whom I will be staying with. As of right now I don't have a lot planned in the leisure department but I like to play things by ear and go with what feels right for the moment. I know, not always the best thing for a vacation and what not but that's just how I roll. I'm not one to plan out everything as that seems to add stress and take the fun out of things. I do have plans for a some cold Alaskan brewed beer and lots of good conversation. I'm hoping to see more of the city this time around and make it to a few spots I missed last time. I also plan to get some nice hikes in as well. Seriously, you can't go to Alaska without doing this. The amazing trails and cool temps are enough of a reason to move to Anchorage. I'm also hoping to get down to Seward for a day or two. There is a possibility of some camping and maybe some glacier hikes. All in all it will be more than I expect and better than I can describe.

Anyhow, I just wanted to post a brief update.

The Funk

2010-06-15T16:48:00.002-07:00

So I've spent the last couple of weeks being in a perpetual funk. I'm not really sure why and that's probably the hardest thing. It's incredibly frustrating. I suppose I've just been unhappy with my situation. I have felt stuck for some damn reason. I've got a laundry list of things that won't necessarily make me happy but are definitely steps in the right direction toward fulfilling my life goals which I think eventually leads to happiness.

Of coarse, many will read this blog and think that I am just a lost soul, searching for answers in all the wrong places. I will be the first to say that, yes it does appear that way but that's not quite the case. I'm not so lost, just a bit overwhelmed. I have so many ideas, interests, and choices that it's hard for me to make a solid decision. So at some point I will have to pick something and run with it. Here's the thing though...I want to be engaged in what I'm doing. The idea of spending my time doing something not engaging seems like a giant waste. It's like living a life without meaning.

So with the help of my few close friends, I think I'm on my way out of the funk. I've had some good solid conversations that have also helped. I'm working on a vacation of sorts back to Alaska though it's more about seeing a friend and searching out opportunities up there. I'm trying to rid myself of some vices and I'm trying to condense what I own. There are also a few projects in the works as well and maybe a weekend trip to Kentucky. I'm also trying to find a part time job to make some extra cash but that has yet to pan out. So yeah, a lot of things going on and that is always a good thing.

I love it when a plan comes together. Stay tuned.

Humanity

2010-06-13T18:13:00.006-07:00

I watched The Cove tonight. It is just one of many documentaries that I have seen lately. I'm really disturbed. I'm sickened by what I see. Even now, I am at a loss to find the words to express how I feel. It appears that we are not as intelligent of a species as we might think. We are greedy and irreverent when it comes to our world. We are committing suicide and are too dumb to realize it. We exploit everything around us for our own gain and greed. The earth has provided us with everything we need to survive yet we continue to tip the scales and unbalance the equation. There is a balance in nature that we do not respect. We assume that nothing is as intelligent as us. We assume there will be no consequences for our actions. We have a mentality that it won't affect us. In part it won't affect us, but our children.

Question. When you look at your children do you see hope? Can we raise a generation that appreciates and wants to protect our world? Are we providing our children with a death sentence with no chance to appeal?

We are so arrogant. We are so lazy, me included. If I wasn't so lazy or such a puss, I would be on the front lines trying to make the changes I so desperately want to see.

So what can I do? I'm just one person so what difference can I make? Those are the questions millions including myself ask everyday. My answer? Be the change. Teach your children respect of this planet...it's the only one we have. If our planet dies so too do we. Be aware. Know that every purchase, every drive, every piece of electronic device, every action contributes to something. We are responsible. Do you want unmodified, non-chemically poisoned food? Buy organic. Send a message as a consumer. Want to end slave labor? Buy fair traded goods from reputable merchants. Want to end the needless suffering of animals? Become vegan.

So it all sounds extreme and impossible, right? Maybe, but maybe not. I'm not saying to completely dismantle you're entire lifestyle and run around naked only eating food stuffs that you grow. What I'm saying is be aware of what you are doing. Know how your habits effect our world. The difference between me and most folks is that I KNOW what I'm doing. I'm responsible. I don't claim ignorance. I'm not living the example I would want to set for my own children, if I had any but I'm trying and that my friends is a start.

"Even the longest journey must begin where you stand." ~Lao-tzu

My Rant

2010-06-10T10:06:00.003-07:00

So I've been in a piss poor funk for the last two weeks and I just can't seem to shake it. I'm developing an attitude, you know the kind where I tell you to fuck off. Yep, that kind. I can't seem to feel better and my sleep pattern has been all over the fucking place. I've grown tired of discussing my ideas, my plans, or whatever is on my mind. Every time I turn around I'm being ridiculed for something I say.
I've decided to push back. I will refrain from saying anything in return my hopes are that they too become quiet otherwise I will leave their life in a furious bang! I'm grumpy and angry and completely disconnected to life right now and the last thing I need is someone trying to make a joke about my life. Hey, here's a clue. I know I suck. I know that I'm disenchanted with the mundane life I've made for myself. I know that I'm lost here. I know I'm not content and that I should just shut the fuck up and deal with it. I know my dreams are stupid and selfish because they don't include everyone. I know these things so no one needs to to tell me, however they choose to do it. My advice for them, piss off! I fucking get it. Thanks. If it didn't go against everything I fucking believe I would eat some metal forget about all of this, but that's not me. Instead, I endure albeit while whining and crying. Truth is I'm unhappy with my current situation and there is no one to blame, no one to help, no one that can do anything but me. I always pull myself out of these funks...sometimes it just takes time.

That almost made me feel better...almost. My next post will be less hostile. I promise.

Honesty

2010-05-24T19:04:00.003-07:00

I have to be honest here. My spirit is low. I feel drain both physically and mentally. I feel as if my time is running out and the pressure is oh so heavy. I must change my situation. I'm in a funk, a rut. Tic tic tic. Ahhhhh! *this is me screaming!*

Stuff

2010-05-17T20:07:00.003-07:00

Ok, this could get messy as I try to explain my way of thinking which by the way is constantly changing. I am aware that I am thinking. What does that say? Any how, read on.

What defines us? What represents us?

I have had several conversations lately where these question were put forth. A little background is in order.

So my latest endeavor in simplifying my life is my want of ridding myself of major possessions. Sounds crazy, huh? That's what I keep hearing. I'm giving my bed away to my mother and my living room furniture to my sister. Why you might be asking yourself would I do this? Well, that's not what they asked me. My mother asked if she should be worried and if there was something I wasn't telling her. My sister asked if I was going to off myself, because that's apparently what folks do when the start giving their stuff away. My answer was simple. I want to be able to mobilize in a moments notice and not be tied down by anything I can't travel with. If the right opportunity presents itself I may not have long to act and need to be ready to go. Besides all of this, I said that my bed is terribly uncomfortable to me and I've wanted to get rid of it since I got it. As for my living room furniture, well it too has become a burden on my back and a really big pain in the ass to arrange. Less is more. I told my sister that I've been considering getting rid of them anyways and getting a small recliner or hammock chair. It's all about portability for me. My sister is visiting this weekend and I intend to send her home with a ton of stuff.
I also want to explain that my stuff doesn't define me. Hell, it doesn't really even represent me. I look around at my apartment. My walls have photos that I took from Alaska, paintings and drawings I've done, and a few maps and flags. These things fall closer to the representing category. It's the same reason I don't have a tattoo. I don't want someone else's ideas and expressions on my body. If I ever do get a tattoo, it will be one that I create and I think that better defines what it means to represent oneself. We are represented by what we create. Think about it. Are you truly represented by a shirt or car designed by someone else? Are those your ideas made real? What about your stuff? Does it represent you and your ideas? Do those things...your stuff define you? Is your trophy room all the stuff you have bought? Do you identify yourself with your stuff? What about your job? Does this define you, represent you? Look this may be a bit philosophical but I am of the mind set that I am defined by my actions, by the life I live and not by things or by a job. I am a unique and creative being, not some lost soul acting as a billboard for others.

I've gone off on a tangent. Super. I think you can get what I am saying.

We can delve deeper...

Let's look briefly at attachment, because most folks are highly attached to their stuff that they believe defines or represents them.

Ok, here is some Star Wars insight that can add light to this. Yes I know it's fiction but there is a valid lesson here.
Yoda said: "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."

There is much truth in this. Is your life worth what you are attached to? If someone was holding a gun to your head would you give them your home? Your car? Your wallet? Or would you fight and perhaps die trying to keep these things?

I guess that I have incorporated some Taoist or Buddhist philosophies in my life and way of thinking but I find them to be valid.

Everything changes. Everything is impermanent. It is our attempt to attach ourselves to impermanent things, and gain happiness thereby, that guarantees and perpetuates suffering. ~Gerald Grow

Tempus Fugit

2010-04-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

The time has flown by. It's been a year since I started this thing. I'm not entirely sure as to the purpose I intended for this blog but it has been rewarding. I liken it to a conversation between two close friends where one is the listener and the other the storyteller. I have been able through this to share my life and pursuits, my joys and sorrows, my adventures and the mundane.

I want to say thank you for coming along with me on this journey I call life. I now quickly look ahead and think about tomorrow and wonder where I will be this time next year. It will be here in a blink my friends. So in the words of the Roman poet Virgil written in the 'Aeneid', Fugit inreparabile tempus' (Time is flying never to return).

Formspring

2010-04-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

I have recently become aware of a website call Formspring. It's great. It's allows anyone to ask you a question. You can be anonymous or give your name. It's a great way to interact with people and find out things you've always wanted to know but were afraid to ask. I signed up the moment I saw the site and let me say I've been pleasantly surprised by the questions I've been asked. So if you are bored, want to see what people have asked me, have a question of your own, or you just want to bust my chops...check out my page here.

5 Questions

2010-04-26T17:36:00.003-07:00

I was recently reading a thought provoking post from Escape From Cubicle Nation titled "Five Easy Ways to Discover What You Are Meant to Do With Your Life". It's was fairly brief but to the point. Below is my answers to the five questions asked in the post.

What is your favorite movie?

Fight Club. Why you ask? Not because of a bunch of dudes beating each other senseless but because of the things said in the movie, the way it questions our society, and the total craziness that ensues. At points it's almost cerebral. I read the book and loved it and so follows my love for this movie. My favorite line is said by Tyler Durden: The things you own end up owning you.

There's a crazy philosophy in the movie that points out everything wrong with the American dream and that is why I really connect with this movie.

What are your favorite channels on television?

PBS, Discovery, and History. What can I say? I love knowledge and history. To be more specific I find myself drawn to shows about prehistory, Alaska, American history, or anything that is based on real life and from a view outside of my comfort zone or I'm familiar with.

What kind of art museums are you attracted to?

Well, I've only been to two art museums so I'm not sure I can provide a very accurate answer here. I can say I'm in love with black and white photography of landscapes, flowers, and human faces. The lack of color seems to bring out a depth and beauty otherwise missed. I am also a fan of the human form and so sculptures in the classical form draws my attention. Finally, my love of impressionism can be described as a great insight to my own vision of the world.

What kind of music do you love?

Now this is a loaded question. I have a great appreciation for classical music specifically Mozart but it's not something I listen to everyday. I feel drawn to Native drum music as well as Blue Grass, Celtic, and Roma violin. Oh how I love the long melodic tone of the violin. So looking to the mainstays of my music, I would have to place the Seattle Sound of the early 90's at the top. I'm not really sure why. The memories of my life from that time period are not necessarily the greatest but there is just something raw in the voices on those records.

What kind of outdoor environment makes you the most happy?

This is most likely the easiest question for me to answer. I love the outdoors, the wilderness. The kind of places I saw in Alaska would best describe the environment that makes me happy. Hell, I would venture to say that the combination of the ocean, the mountains, the mist, the fog, the rocks, the animals, the untouched scenery, the cool crisp air...that is what makes me happy.

Now that I've taken the time to write this stuff down all I need to do is analyze it.

As Yoda said, "Meditate on this, I will."

Forgotten and found

2010-03-31T18:57:00.000-07:00

So I was going through a box of stuff tonight when I stumbled upon some old writings I did about six years ago. As a matter of fact one paper was dated April 1 2004. It's bittersweet when I find these kind of things. I'm reminded of what was going on in my life during the time these were written, both good and bad. I try to recall my mind set back then but it's tough. I do enjoy reading my words from the past, but some things are best left forgotten. All that being said I thought I would share one of the poems I found. I can only assume it was about a dream. Enjoy.

Today is the dawn of my distant desire
Rising up through the flame in the mind of fire
Brightly burning because I breath
A parallel passion few can perceive
A distant memory melting the mind of I
A satisfying stay in serenity I sigh
Flickering thoughts fly through my place
Granted eternity within your grace
Suddenly aware that I'm alive but away
Shaken back to my bed to face the day
Is this really the reality in which I face or do I dwell in dream and space

Progress?

2010-03-30T05:52:00.003-07:00

You know I don't really consider myself to be politically active. I mean I vote and I try to keep up on current events but I'm not out there trying to change the hearts and minds of people. I wouldn't say that I was passionate about any certain issue or even that I really cared. I also consider myself to be fairly tolerant and respectful of other people's views. I would also say that I'm patient when it comes to politics, but things are rapidly changing for me.

I don't really no what the hell has happened, but it seems the Mid-West has become the New South. It would appear that fear politics and intolerance has become the marching sound of democracy. In my home state of Ohio there is a "grab your gun and bible" mentality that's driving me fucking crazy. I hear someone everyday refer to the United States as being under Socialist control and that our beloved Democracy is long gone. (this is partially true if you do your homework. *see: corporate oligarchy*)There's a lot of "you're either with us, or you're against us" mentality. Of course these could be the same people who said that I was anti-American to question the US involvement in Iraq or the methods used to gather intel from potential terrorist. So again I find myself labeled unpatriotic and my views criticized as being socialist or even worse...communist.

Seriously? What the fuck? Someone needs to do some goddamn research. Did you know that according to international standards, the Democratic Party and our President is considered centre-right or conservative? We are quite far from a Marxist state my friends. The very fact that you can go on television and radio and scream your fear based rhetoric is proof enough that we are still an open society that allows you the freedom of speech to blow your top in such a way.

So now the question I find myself asking is why the regressive politics? We are in the 21st century, right? Isn't time to put away the conservative, puritan based politics and progressively head toward the future, building a more tolerant and egalitarian system without faith based initiatives? Is it so wrong to want a a more educated and open minded society? Don't you think it's time to put away the siege engines and pick up the books? We should stop being afraid. We should embrace multiculturalism and a fair trade. We should be concerned not with the mis labeled global warming but with the ever growing unpredictability of climate change. We should advocate social, civil, equal, and human rights while ensuring that our civil liberties are not eroded away by fear-mongering. We should in other words, seek to progress our humanity. Let us not be varies tribes on this blue marble but one unifying voice saying we are human, we are together.

As societies grow decadent, the language grows decadent, too. Words are used to disguise, not to illuminate, action: you liberate a city by destroying it. Words are to confuse, so that at election time people will solemnly vote against their own interests. ~Gore Vidal

Update in Brief

2010-03-11T08:57:00.004-08:00

So I've been awhile from the blog for a minute and felt it was time to update. As of late my weekdays are consumed by job searches and Modern Warfare 2 on the PS3...my new secret addiction.

My weekends are filled with travel between Columbus and the hometown where my time is not so well balanced among family and the Caverns...If you follow me on twitter you will get that reference. Any other time I have to myself is filled with thought...a dangerous thing, I assure you.

As for the job hunting...well I'm not in a great big hurry seeing as how I have a job right now, I just want something different. I have opened the doors to relocating if necessary but only to the Northwest. I have deep seeded desire to live near mountains and the ocean.

Anyway, I'm not ruling anything out. The way I see it is that I'm young or young enough, single, have very low debt, and no kiddies. So it seems now is a good time to act before I have to stay in a single location or really have to start taking care of other peeps. Hey, I've been there, done that. Time to try something new. Just remember we all have our own lives to answer for...good, bad, or otherwise.

Then again, maybe I can learn to be content with whatever mundane existence has been provided and happily plow the lands my father's father's grandfather plowed?

“Keep true to the dreams of your youth.” ~ Friedrich von Schiller

Hypothetical Question

2010-02-17T17:25:00.003-08:00

Hypothetic question. Let's say you get a visit and let's say that visitor is you from the grave in the future. Now let's not get all caught up in the whole space time continuum thing or in some religious dogmatic law or verse. So now let's say you have come back to tell yourself when you were going to die. Now I know a great many folks would rather not know such information so this could be a very traumatic message but one you're getting none the less. The reason you have come back to reveal this information is change for better or worse the life you would have led with your death date being unknown. So just like that...Bam! You are officially on a countdown to the end...What do you do? What do you do if say the D-day is exactly 10 years from now or even 5 years for that matter? What do you do? Do you curl up in a ball and wait for the inevitable? Do you become energized? Do you put aside the nonsensical bullshit that consumes your life to pursue whatever passion lay within your heart? What do you do?

So the question you may be asking right now is what would I do?

I would drop everything...liquidate the unnecessary. I would call my place of employment and tell them to take a hike. I would call family and friends....I would tell them I'm about to do some things that will make little sense but in the greater scheme of things is right and only right for me. I would pack up my remaining things...basically what I could fit into my vehicle and then I would journey west. I would enroll in a predetermined university in an archaeology program, probable somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. I would complete my degree and then travel the world via research grants do digs a ancient sites until the day before my day comes. That day I would call my friends and family, one by one and say goodbye.

What would I do on my death day? Well if my time was up late in the evening I would wake just before the sun rises....then I would spend my day in quiet solitude, reflecting on how my life changed the day I found out when I was going to die.

Ok, I've been thinking about this a lot lately and that's why I have written it here. I'm sure I could be more philosophical and heartfelt if I really wanted to but that's not the purpose here. The purpose here is to put it out in front of me the thoughts that keep me awake at night. Does it change anything? Does it help? I don't know.

Alright, I feel better now.

The Snow

2010-02-10T17:45:00.003-08:00

“The future lies before you, like paths of pure white snow. Be careful how you tread it, for every step will show.”

Up and Down

2010-01-18T15:46:00.002-08:00

So I realize I haven't posted much lately and that's the direct result a dealing with family issues, a new relationship, and writer's block. Ok, so maybe I don't really have writer's block but I am having trouble finding the words to describe my life right now and it's tough trying to decide what to share and what to keep to oneself.

So I'm sitting in my chair, relaxing and drinking wine...trying to form sentences that make sense and reveal what I'm thinking and let me say that I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. My life as of late has been a bit of a roller coaster. I've been dealing with my grandmother and her illness which some days almost gets the best of her, my family whose also dealing with her and listening to their worries, trying to create a career change, and starting a new relationship. It's been a full plate kind of scenario.

I'm trying to maintain a level head, light heart, and a strong back.

That's really all I feel like posting right now. So until next time...I'll just take a deep breath.

Rough Start

2010-01-02T14:10:00.001-08:00

So a quick note here...

As some know I'm sure there are a great deal more who don't...My Gramma was diagnosed with cancer. Talk about a rough start to the new year. It's been hard on me but I've got to be strong for her, for me.

2009

2010-01-02T13:19:00.003-08:00

So I'm a couple days late in doing a post review of 2009 but better late than never.

This past year was literally the best year of my life thus far. The year was full of small victories and minor accomplishments that in the end left me feeling something I'm not used to...Proud.

The year begin rather unsettled as I became divorced in January. I had just moved into my apartment, living by myself for the first time in 5 years. I had just switched shifts at work, took on more responsibilities and a pay cut. I can honestly say that I had my doubts as to what the year would bring. I was eating and drinking myself into a stupor and feeling very, very alone.

Somewhere along the way I got a burr up my ass and decided to surround myself with family and friends, to get out, to do things. I have to give props to my buddy Jon and his wife Tera for taking in a rather pissy and moody single guy and giving me what I needed most...love, friendship, and laughter! Being around those guys and their little ones did more for me than they will ever know. I became just another face in the family and for that I am ever grateful. I became uncle Rod and how I love my morning wake ups via a toy to the head, bottle to the face, and a stinky blanket thrown in for good measure. Oh how I love Disgruntled Ducky and Pissy Prinny...um not sure if I spelled that right. I can say for certain that there are times I dream of SpongeBob and sometimes miss the chaos when I'm home alone. Yes, it's been fun. Through them I have met some wonderful people and will never forget the Friday night live streams, the drinking games, and oh yeah...melting my fucking face off after puking in the kitchen sink thanks to tequila. Believe me, if you know the story...then you know exactly what I'm referring to. Again it was through those Friday night live streams that I met Laura who helped me fulfill a childhood dream. She became a friend and one hell of a tour guide when I took a trip to her home state of Alaska. Anyone who knows me knows that I've said that the trip I took was the highlight of my year. I will never forget the ride to the glacier or the fact that I DO know what a caribou is...and I loved the Moose's Tooth and sharing pizza with Laura and the E-man...and of coarse FOTC!

I realize that I could and have done entire post on that trip so that should suffice. I guess as I sit here and think, 2009 revolved around my friends and how much they have helped me. Hell it was through them that I was introduced to Tina, my girlfriend. Better that they approved and help me choose then for me to screw up yet again...just saying.

2009 was a year of beginnings really. It's like my life began anew. A new, more trim (not by much) me. I was found myself maintaining a rather uneasy role in my family. I have become the ears and sometimes the words of comfort for family members including my father. It was in this past year that my dad actually told me that he respected me...not for the things I've done but how I've handled myself in becoming a man, and that my friends... means a lot...for sure.

The year brought an old familiar yet somehow wiser self to the surface. There were a few setbacks and rough patches but they were handled with grace...most of the time and dealt with accordingly.

As the year grew to a close my life changed yet again as I mentioned before. I met Tina and in turn she welcomed me into her life and introduced me to her 5 year old son. I have spent most to the past week with them enjoying life and being beat to death by plastic swords and kicked and punched and all the other crazy things little boys like to do for fun. I sleep good at night as I'm totally worn out, but I'm lovin it. I truly missed the companionship that comes with a romantic relationship and the tender touch of a woman's hand.

I don't know what 2010 will bring, only it's going to be hard to compete with the previous year. I go into it excited but with a heavy heart. So here's to 2009. Cheer old friend!

The Year is Ending

2009-12-30T07:05:00.003-08:00

As this year comes to a close I can't help but reflect on how 2009 has changed my life. It's been a year full of excitement, change, heart ache, redemption, adventure, love, and friendship. I find myself short on time this chilly winter morning but before the year is up I shall do a year in review post. There is so much to say and so much left to do. I've struggled to find one word to summarize the year...I'm still working on that. So I've got to stop for now as I need to jump in the shower...busy time of year and I'm off to hit the city for the day. Until later....

Milestones

2009-12-05T23:07:00.003-08:00

From November of this year to January 29th of next a series of milestone will have taken place. These milestones as the pass are cause for pause and reflection. December 1st marked a year at my apartment. It's only the second time in my life that I have truly lived alone. When I moved in here last year I was utterly lost and afraid. My first week was cold as the heat wasn't on yet which intensified my solitude. I was depressed and hurt, more so than in a very long time. I dreaded each day.

My what a difference a year can make. This place feels like home.

La Vita Nuova

2009-11-24T06:56:00.006-08:00

Sometimes the words escape me and I am left speechless. Rare and far from the norm, I feel this way now. I am left longing for a description that is adequate. I have found the words of someone else.

In that book which is
My memory...
On the first page
That is the chapter when
I first met you
Appear the words...
Here begins a new life
~Dante Alighieri

Conversation

2009-11-18T17:27:00.003-08:00

Do you ever just want to talk about something but struggle to find the words? I am wanting to talk about so much and honestly that's what this blog is all about but I just can't...Can't seem to put it all together. My head is elsewhere...The clouds perhaps? Maybe in the days or weeks to come I can gather my thoughts and update here accordingly? Until then all I will say is that my lonely nights have turned into wonderful evenings of great conversation.

Yep.

Last Year

2009-11-04T05:43:00.005-08:00

As the cold chill of winter starts to blow in I am reminded of where I was this time last year.

I was desperately searching for a place to live, trying to find my sanity, and dealing with a major change in my life. I was feeling betrayed and hurt. More importantly, I was lost.

It's amazing what a difference a year makes.

I feel more like me than ever before. For the first time in years I see the future as a bright place and to top it off I'm healthy for a change. I've got a level head and feel as if I can make sound decisions. I feel good.

Some may say that this past year has been like so many before it, mundane and bland but I would disagree. I have reclaimed myself in the name of freedom and liberty...blah blah blah. Seriously though, I did things I never thought possible and met some really great people along the way. I look in the mirror and like the man smiling back.

So what does next year hold? What adventures will I seek? What places will I visit? So many questions but I find strength in knowing that the journey is what's really important.

I feel as if I can do anything and I have my sights set on the mountains.

“Things are always changing - our thoughts, cells, hormones, hairline, consciousness, relationship, and the landscape around us. Instead of trying to freeze the present moment and hanging onto it, we need to remember that life is a process of constantly letting go.”

- Charlotte Kasl

Columbus Night

2009-10-13T21:57:00.000-07:00

Another late night for me...
I was standing outside my apartment, staring out at the parking lot listening to the sounds of the city as the wind blows in crisp, cold fall air and my thoughts begin to drift. It's another cold lonely night in a city of nearly 800,000. I live next to people who barely speak my language and prefer to be left alone. Some nights I feel like I'm living in another country. I don't mind the diversity and actually enjoy the cultural differences. It's tough sometimes though.

You know, I sound as if I am whining. I don't mean for that. I guess it goes hand and hand with the lack of sleep, changing weather, and this nagging cold. I've just been really engrossed in thought lately so it's to be expected I suppose. It's nights like this though that I can't help but think back to my short stay in Alaska. There is nothing more powerful than the memory of a time you wished never ended. It's a quick fix to pull myself out of whatever perpetual funk I'm in. It brings warmth to my heart and a smile to my face. I think of how I planned for the trip or the lack of! I think about how all the pieces seemed to fall together. I think about how this time last year I could have only imagined such a thing. I think about the glaciers, the mountains...the beer. I think about how fortunate I am to have visited such a beautiful place and met such wonderful people.

And just like that I feel an ease on my mind...for this evening at least.

No Rest

2009-10-12T20:37:00.003-07:00

I'm having trouble sleeping lately. Strange dreams and vivid nightmares, I feel as if I'm five again searching for my parents bedroom. I'm not sure the cause but can assume it has to do with the over abundance of thinking I've been doing. There has been a lot of self analyzing going on among other things. I have been fortunate enough to be able to discuss some of this with a friend who seems to understand far better than I would have guessed and their insight has been uplifting. See also: complicated foresight into self exploration resulting in fundamental sense of self-fulfilling joy. Also: nosce te ipsum. Did you get all of that?
I'm hoping that by working these "things" out during my waking state that I will be able to rest more soundly. I hope.

“Unfortunately, the balance of nature decrees that a super-abundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares.” ~Peter Ustinov

A thought

2009-10-06T14:27:00.003-07:00

Have you ever met someone who touches your life in such a subtle yet profound way that you can never forget them? Just something and someone I was thinking about today.

Visualize

2009-10-05T19:54:00.006-07:00

Do you ever wonder how in the hell you got to be where it is that you are? I know I do. It's moments like this that I try and piece together the past to see if it will reveal any information about my future. Of course nothing of the past can say anything about where we are going, only where we have been. What I did yesterday does not define who I am today but it does give me perspective on the path that led to here.

Ok so now I'm rambling.

Lately I have been trying to plan my next move(this is not necessarily a literal move but merely a life direction) which is not as easy as I would like it to be. I'm just beginning to think it's time to move on to other things and I am taking the necessary steps to facilitate said move. I have figured out that in order to accomplish anything in my life I must first visualize it. In doing this I am setting the universe in motion. I am creating my path. It sounds crazy but I swear it works. Anyways, as I work out the details I will post them here for the world to see. With a bit of luck and a lot of focus I should on my way soon and that's not soon enough I assure you. Now all of this makes it sound as if I have some glorious plan to become the next millionaire or something but that's just not the case. Seriously, if you have read anything I have written you know I over think and over analyze everything! I think a good game but I gots to put my money where my brain is...you dig?

Your life will be no better than the plans you make and the action you take. You are the architect and builder of your own life, fortune, destiny.
~Alfred A. Montapert

Thinking of you...Grandpa

2009-09-24T06:24:00.004-07:00

Twenty-two years ago yesterday my Grandfather past away. I didn't even realize the date until late yesterday afternoon. I'm kind of kicking myself about it though I know I shouldn't. Life is busy and time moves at speeds I couldn't imagine as a child. The memories of my Grandpa are filled with joy and happiness. I have said many times the I knew nothing of pain and sorrow until his death. My world was never and has never been the same. All that being said I can't help but wonder what he would say if he was alive today. Would he be proud of me? What words of wisdom would he have? I smile because I know no matter what he loved me and that above all else makes my heart soar!

Grandpa and I

Quotes

2009-09-18T22:56:00.003-07:00

As some folks who know me know I love quotes. I'm not sure what it is about the words of others that find their way into my thoughts but they do. They are there giving me solace when I can't put together what it is that I'm trying to say. Sometimes thought provoking, sometimes mundane those words I find neatly arranged seem to vibrate on a level that feed my soul. Below are a few quotes that seem to say it better than I.

Love grows by giving. The love we give away is the only love we keep.
— E. Hubbard

The most important things in life aren't things.
— Anthony J. D'Angelo

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
— Gandhi

Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.
- Coretta Scott King

When I approach a child, he inspires in me two sentiments; tenderness for what he is, and respect for what he may become.
- Louis Pasteur

Patience

2009-09-06T08:51:00.003-07:00

A great lesson in this world is patience.

I wish this was a random thought for the day but it's not. I find more and more as I age that my ability to be patient is greater though the things that require patience also tend to increase as well. Sometimes within the frustration of waiting a lesson can be found. It's like the saying about the journey being more important than the destination.

I think back to my youth and how impatient I used to be with everything from the car rides to Grandma and Grandpa's to waiting for Mom to cook supper. Of coarse having a rather short attention span doesn't help. I also think about the one area I was always willing to be patient and that was fishing. Strange really because fishing can be so boring but once you hook one and the fight is on all that waiting seems like a drop of water in a bucket. After a while the fishing became less important than just taking the time to get away from the hustle and bustle of life for a few short hours at the lake or river. Truth be told there were many a days that I would set out to fish and end up relaxing on my back along the shore watching the clouds roll by as the melody of the river lulled me to sleep. Truly a simple pleasure and one that most folks take for granted.

I think we all get so wrapped up in everyday life we forget to stop and watch the clouds. Seriously, when was the last time you did that? We live in a world filled with instant gratification that moves 90 miles per hour. Really have have become a generation of impatient adults never willing to give more than 30 seconds to anything and packing as much into a day as we can. I see this first hand on a daily basis living in the city. I admit, I get caught up in it too. I guess that's why I enjoy coming back to the small town that I'm from. Things move a little bit slower there, though not to much. Ok, that's not the only reason I came back but it's on the list!

Being scattered brained as I am so much of the time, I started this post a couple of days ago and had something completely different in mind. After I started to write, there was a realization that I was revealing too much about me and opted to set it aside and come back later. Rereading this now, I think that was a good choice. I know that the purpose of this blog is write whatever is on my mind but sometimes there are things just too personal and to emotional for me to put up for the world to see. Also I tend to ramble and lose my initial thought. None the less, I have made my point and said what was on my brain...for the most part. I think I will go outside and enjoy the wind as the clouds float on by.

“In eternity there is indeed something true and sublime. But all these times and places and occasions are now and here. God himself culminates in the present moment and will never be more divine in the lapse of the ages. Time is but a stream I go a-fishing in. I drink at it, but when I drink I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is. Its thin current slides away but eternity remains.”
~Henry David Thoreau

Late Night Thinking

2009-08-26T20:10:00.004-07:00

I'm sitting here late this evening listening to tunes and thinking about life. Now being tired, my words as well as my thoughts may make little sense to the reader but such is the territory. I am trying to reflect on the past several months and at the same time look a head to the future. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing, if I am on the right path. What can I say? I question. It is my nature. It's how I figure the world out, if only. I'm curious. I have my sentimental and mournful moments where I grow concerned about finding my place in this world. It is in these moments that my esteem grows weary and my skin thin. Can I live up to the words and stories of those around me? Can I paint with the same broad stroke as was applied in my creation? By what shackle do I hold myself to this earth?

Look, aside from the allegorical explainations there is a simple way to describe what I think and feel. I worry about the choices I make. I strive to do the right things, always. I know what I want but I am unsure if it is realistic or even attainable. Logic says it is but I have a tendency to get in my own way. I suppose when the sun sets and I settle in for the night the lingering thought that prevails is when will I receive my calling? When will I hear the echoes of the thoughts and feel the tug upon my heart directing me in my endeavors? When will I find my passion? Perhaps I have but am unable to see it. The gravity of it all weighs heavy upon my mind. I figure it's normal and I am not overwhelmed by it all.

Thinking hard on it, I believe I can explain my thoughts one better.

I want a family. I want a piece of ground to plow and a hand to hold, a child to teach and a dog to pet. I want to be connected. I want to be the rock that the foundation of a home is built upon, to be a provider. I want to love what I do and feel as if I can make a difference. I want to help and share. I want to fill the world with stories of life, love, and laughter. Most of all I want my own piece of contentment.

Life my friends is just a brief page in a very large book. I just hope mine is worth reading.

Potential?

2009-08-24T17:56:00.003-07:00

What is it within us that keeps us from realizing our full potential? Is it fear? Laziness? Total lack of care? I think about this often as I am well aware of my super ability to underachieve. Perhaps one day in the future I will pull my head out of my proverbial arse and do what it is that I am meant to do. Perhaps someday I will live up the the expectations I have thus far failed to meet. Perhaps tomorrow I will start.

Deep Thoughts

2009-08-18T15:47:00.009-07:00

While in Alaska I was afforded the opportunity to find a place in which all things were silent, save my thoughts and the wind on my face. It was in this time that the world seemed clear and all choices where laid out in front of me. Somehow in that place I could faintly hear the echoes of home. There was a crispness in the air that reminded me of autumn nights and made my breath effortless I trekked along the path. I carried light my footsteps along the trail, eagerly awaiting what was ahead. I have never seen such a place as the beauty that is Alaska. So easy to lose thought as my senses were overwhelmed by all that I looked upon.

As I soaked up my surroundings I thought of times in my life in which I felt close or connected to someone or something. This is a summary of the experience I had up north.

I am reminded of a time in my youth where I watched the sun rise through the clouds, over the mountains while I was away at camp. This my friends was a defining moment that impacts me to this day. There is something spiritual about it all. In times of trial sometimes I return in thought to that day and bath my mind in the light, warming my soul. So as the sun shone upon my face and the glacial waters flowed near by a memory of innocence and simplicity drifted through the air.

I did not go to Alaska to find myself or to have a revelation. I went for the experience. I went for me.

I bring home a rejuvenated self ready for whatever comes next. I bring home the laughter I shared with new friends. I bring home the memories that no words can accurately describe. I bring home a warm heart and a happy smile. I bring stories of faces you have never seen and the pictures of the places I have been. I bring with me a little piece of Alaska.

I can't help but think that somewhere up there I left a little bit of me.

“Reading about nature is fine, but if a person walks in the woods and listens carefully, he can learn more than what is in books, for they speak with the voice of God.” ~ George Washington Carver

Back from Alaska

2009-08-17T20:03:00.009-07:00

So I'm back from my Alaskan trip. I wish I could say that I'm glad to be home but honestly I loved Alaska. It truly is God's country up there. The scenery was breath taking and the drives so memorable. I have included some photos from my trip. In the coming days I will write more but for now I am still trying to adjust to the time zone change. So anyways, enjoy!

To the lover of wilderness, Alaska is one of the most wonderful countries in the world. ~John Muir

So Far So Good

2009-08-12T09:47:00.006-07:00

So I'm taking a little bit of time this morning to write a bit. It's a cool morning today and the coffee in my cup makes all the more enjoyable. It got down to about 50 last night, so not too bad. The Alaskan mornings seem to always be cool and overcast, but again I like it.

Last night I was out and about after the sun set and I have to tell you it was weird seeing it go down at 10:30 pm. It's neat seeing a reddish pink and purple sky at 11 at night. Beautiful and seemingly tranquil.

I apologize if this post seems to not flow as I am really tired this morning and just want to get something down while it's fresh!

So far this has been the trip of a lifetime. I'm staying at this quaint little inn near the center of town. This place is like a beacon for hippies, foreigners, and tramps of all kinds. These are interesting people with stories to tell and I have enjoyed listening. Last night some dude checked in at 2am local time which according to him was an hour after he left home. He was from Australia, here to celebrate his 21st birthday. Saturday night I talked with this French-Canadian dude who was quite the comedian. A couple of nights ago I had the best conversation with this old painter from southern California. This place has all kinds. No one here is pretentious are judging. Really, it's like being around my kind of peoples. We all sit around and drink tea made from fresh local herbs and plants and talk of our travels or the days events.

Anchorage is a mellow city or what I have seen of it. It's not as cut throat as Columbus and most of the folks I have run into have been laid back by my standards. It's really easy to navigate here too. As my friend told me, the mountains are to the east and there are only two roadways in and out of the city. It's really not bad. There are a ton of trails and bike paths in the numerous parks. The scenery is grand and traffic is less annoying than back home. Seriously, if I could get my Ohio State football games, I'm pretty sure I could stay forever! I really need to come back during the winter as that would be the real test as to whether I would want to stay or not.

I got to say I think I found another trip destination. One of the innkeepers here are from Portland, Oregon. Based on the pictures she showed me and the stories told, I need to check it out. From what I've read it's relatively the same size as Columbus give or take. I feel like I'm becoming a Pacific Northwest junkie!!

So yesterday I had an itching to do something adventurous. I climbed Flattop Mountain which has a 3,510-foot elevation and is located in Chugach State Park just east of Anchorage. It is the most climbed mountain in the state. It is known for its panoramic views of Anchorage and the surrounding area, including Denali, Mount Foraker, Mount Spurr, and the Cook Inlet. I snap the picture to the left while I was up there. It was quite cool a the top and surprisingly quiet. On the east side of the mountain it was oddly calm with the sound of the distant river rushing a thousand feet below. Being up there afforded me the opportunity to really think about thinks. At one point I became somewhat overwhelmed. I mean honestly, I'm sitting in a place I have always wanted be. There was no naysayers to rain down hate upon my moment. I was here. I made it. I feel as if I can do anything I set my mind on. I can tell you that there is a strangely familiar feeling up here and while sitting on that mountain top I felt a closeness that I have trouble describing in words.

I will post some pictures once I return home so all can see. If there is time I will blog more. Until then I remain in Alaska, happy and free!

“I have walked that long road to freedom. I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb. I have taken a moment”
~Nelson Mandela

Hello From Alaska

2009-08-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

I just wanted a quick note to say how much I love it here! I just can't explain how beautiful everything is. I may try and get some computer time later this week and load up some pictures. I spent my first full day exploring the city of Anchorage. This town somehow feels like home already. Weird. Everyone seems pretty laid back. I explored some of the out lying area just north of town and rounded out my evening with a several K hike along to coastal area southwest of downtown near the airport.

Well, I'm beat and it's late. See ya!

Ready For Alaska

2009-08-07T22:46:00.006-07:00

It's almost 2am and I can't sleep. I just keep thinking this time tomorrow I will be in Anchorage. How exciting. I'm packed and ready to go! I spent all day gathering the remainder of items still missing for my trip. So it will be a while until I post something again...but I'm sure it will be worth the wait! Until then, I remain uber-excited!

Name

2009-08-03T11:09:00.004-07:00

What's in a name? I suppose we could argue that our entire identity is wrapped up within our name. I think there really is truth to that.

I am named after my father. It's kind of like someone handing his boots to me and saying fill them. As a child this seems like a large feat and one worth doing. As an adult, I find myself wanting to put distance between my version of my father's name and his. There is the formal birth name, Rodney. Many folks I went to school with, their parents, teachers, the government...they all know me by that and my father too. Rod is the informal, the friendly, the common name. Both my father and I go by this. To our friends and even some of our coworkers, the blog readers and new faces...to basically everyone else this is OUR name, but this paints only a partial picture. This is the point where I separate myself from the elder. I have a family nickname to differentiate my dad and I. I'm not sure who started it or even how but it is what it is. When I was a kid I hated it, thought it was childish but I have grown to enjoy the name...to really identify myself with it....

You may call me Roddy!

That's my mom & I circa 1983

Thinking

2009-07-30T07:11:00.010-07:00

So I’m sitting here thinking in my typical bored but reflective mood. I’m at work. That is an odd title for what I do. I spend a majority of my time bored out of my skull! I can say that I have stayed on here far too long. Originally this was to be a temporary job until I got settled in the Columbus area. I had all intentions of returning to college but it seemed life had other plans. Isn’t that how it always goes? How’s the saying go? Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.

So here I sit. I have done more in the last 8 months to change up the status quo than ever before. To be honest I am a bit tired. I have always considered myself a man of ideas. That’s it though, just ideas. I am guilty of over thinking which leads to a million ideas about everything and anything. I’m ready to settle down a bit and not in the traditional sense but in the sense that I need to find that one thing and do it. I know it seems as if I am lost and all over the place but I really am not. I’m just being indecisive. Story of my life! I am caught on this roller coaster trying to do the right thing, because that is what I strive to do. I am seriously considering saving up money over the next couple of months to pay my way into the Ohio Fire Academy. Yes, you read that right. I’m torn between two lofty goals. On one hand I want to help my fellow man, service if you will and what better way than by fighting the one element that has captured my imagination, attention, and respect since I was a youth…Fire. One the other hand I want to be part of academia teaching and learning all the while contributing to the world. See, lofty goals. So it’s all good an well but someone always has to rain on my parade.

Let me make one thing certain. I don’t want to hear about the money as in how much it will cost or how much money is not made doing these things. I think if folks spent more time following their passions and really enjoying their careers the world would be a much better place. Money is not everything, no matter what our parents tell us. And so there it is, spelled out in front of me. This is a fine example of thinking out loud and recording it for prosperity. So what plan will I follow? I think I will see what life throws at me and go with it.

“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” Anatole France

Favorite Poem

2009-07-29T19:44:00.002-07:00

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

New Friends

2009-07-29T11:17:00.002-07:00

So my rather dull life has been filled lately by new faces. I must say I do enjoy meeting new people. It's been refreshing. I promised myself back in December that 2009 was going to be my best year ever. It was to be a year filled with adventure, excitement, fun, LAUGHTER, travel, and new friends! So far, so good.

I can say for certain that every once in a while some folks come along and just shake things up and that my friends is always a good thing. So as I continue to meet new friends and new faces I keep a thought in mind:

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

Quick Update

2009-07-29T11:04:00.002-07:00

So it has been a minute since I have written anything. Actually that is not quite true. I have worked on a few post here and there but nothing I would consider sharing. They were more like reflections of the day I wrote them. You could say they were my way of thinking out loud. So what to write now? How about a small update?

First off, let me say that my Alaskan trip is booked to the relief of some friends! You know who you are! My trip plans got rearranged a bit but nothing I can't deal with. Logistics, always logistics! I am uber-excited! I'm 10 days out!! My plan is to take in the sites and do some hiking. I have a few other things in mind that I would like to try while I am up there like kayaking and a visit to the University of Alaska in Anchorage. Anyhow, I am stoked!

What else? I had overnight guests this past weekend. Yep, Mom and my step-dad dropped in for an overnighter! It was nice and we all had a really good time. I don't get to see my Mom much so it means a great deal when I do.

That's pretty much it...for now. Stay classy interwebbers!

Litmus Test

2009-07-27T20:15:00.001-07:00

Trying to see the acidity of people before I get too involved. This post is a reminder of that. Alkaline is good, neutral too....Acidic...BAD. Be advised Sir...be advised!

Weekend Zen

2009-07-14T20:23:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why I was put on this earth. Sometimes. Other times I just know, or at least I think I know. I had a Zen moment this past weekend while doing some yard work. Think Zen-Mondo. Any how I realized that this is a question that we don't answer as it must answer itself. So that being said, the answer seems to have appeared though I believe all things are subject to change. Let me simplify the answer. I feel or think or know even, that the reoccurring theme in my life is to help others, give back a bit. Perhaps knowing this I should find a vocation in which I can put that to use? There are deeper things afoot here.

At the end of the day I have two ideas about my own life. One is the thought of self expression, travel, and adventure. The other is about selflessness, fatherhood, and friendship. There is a common connector that goes along for the ride. Simplicity.

So what do I take away from this? How do I piece this all together? Balance, simple balance. Live a simple life full of expression, always be the best friend you can be to all you encounter. Make everyday an adventure as you travel through life. The greatest selfless act? Be more than a father or dad, be a friend, a guide, a foundation...be there.

“Selfless service alone gives the needed strength and courage to awaken the sleeping humanity in one's heart.” -Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Just a Thought

2009-07-13T06:09:00.002-07:00

Occasionally we meet someone who, for whatever reason leaves a lasting impression upon us.

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty. ~Author Unknown

Happy

2009-07-01T10:50:00.003-07:00

It's been one of those days that I struggle to keep my eye on the prize so to speak. I woke up late which is never a good way to start my day. It is days like this that put me into a perpetual funk. Somehow my barriers fall exposing my soul to all the emotions and negativity of the world. I feel vulnerable and weak, ready to lash out in defense. This is the type of day the allows all those ill felt thoughts to come to a head. The kind of day that makes me want to go back to bed. I need a warning on my vehicle for days like today. Move or be moved cause I'm pissy! It's one of those "test the patience" kind of day. I think you get idea. The problem is that it's a cascade effect. One thing sets off another. It leaves me thinking, when will this end? It's at this moment when I realize that I am the one in control and not this fubar of a day!

At times like these I have to sit somewhere and think for a minute or two. I have to restore my mental clarity and balance. I have developed a simple method to rid my brain of this mayhem. I use the Peter Pan method...Think happy thoughts! I know it sounds ridiculous, but it works. I look around my little corner of the world for the simplest things, perhaps an ant working away or someone assisting a stranger or even a little finch on a wire. Crazy as this sounds it allows me to focus and come together. Sometimes it's even simpler than that. I may start thinking about something my buddy's boy did that caused me to laugh or something my gramma said that was uniquely hers. It's strange but these are the small moments of happiness that make up my life and lift my spirits on those not so friendly days. It makes me realize that though life can be very tough and ever distracting, there is much beauty and laughter that makes it all worth while.

This is self therapy and believe me it works!

So now my day has gotten a whole lot better. There is no piss poor mood or agitated temperament to deal with. I am here, in the now and smiling as I think of all the little happy moments that make up my life. I think that is the secret. I think that in this hurry up life most of us lead we forget how to just be in the moment and enjoy the smallest of things. When we realize that happiness is within us we can stop looking for it elsewhere because it is what you decide it is. Make a decision to be happy now. Find your moments as I am sure there are many. Sometimes you have to lay in the grass to see the beauty of the dandelion.

A friend once said to me, be happy with yourself and others will be happy with you. Be happy internally and it will radiate out to the rest of the world.

Bruce Lee also said, "Be like water my friend".

I know, ever random!

Soundtrack of Life

2009-06-29T16:14:00.004-07:00

So I was driving home from work today when I heard an old song that brought back some rare fond memories from a more turbulent time. Well this got me thinking...

I started to think of the movie Forrest Gump. Yes it's random but have you ever really listened to the soundtrack to that movie? There are songs in the movie that are iconic and evoke emotional responses to specific scenes. Well I began to remember songs that applied to certain times of my life. Some had to do with events, some with certain years.
So when I got home I decided to put together a soundtrack for my life and post the list on here. There was lot of music so I really had to condense it down. I also thought about adding a note beside each song but that's just too complicated as there is most defiantly a story behind each one. If you're curious about a song on the list be sure to comment. I would be more than happy to explain, though be warned...I am long winded!

In no particular order:

Bear Necessities
When you wish upon a star
He Walked On Water
Dixieland Delight
Through Glass
Highway to Hell
Voodoo
Second Chance
Choices
Find Out Who Your Friends Are
Going to Alaska
The Climb

There were so many songs and better ones too but these held special meanings.

What songs would have on your soundtrack?

How much longer?

2009-06-23T07:21:00.005-07:00

Countdown to Alaska.....

46 days
1105 hours
66323 minutes
3979429 seconds

Daydreams

2009-06-14T10:33:00.009-07:00

I'd like to start this post off with a question to the reader.
Do you daydream?
The reason I ask is because I've been doing this more and more lately. I did this often as a child, but I can't remember last time I did it as an adult. It's so nostalgic to think back to those youthful days when the whole world was ahead of you and the only thing you cared about was summer vacation, building forts, looking for fossils, and playing hide and seek!

It always seemed to me that when I wasn't drawing on my notebook in class I was dreaming of finding an undiscovered Egyptian tomb, or new dinosaur or even living on some strange new planet. My imagination ran wild, happy, and free. These same feelings have been flooding back to me lately. I'm really not sure why. It's the craziest thing too, I will be watching tv or listen to music when I get these images and thoughts about things really important to my heart. You know the things I speak of, the ones that maybe your closest friend know or your secret desires. Yeah, those kind of things. I call it random thought generation with meaning! I suppose it's not completely random as these things are always somewhere, hiding in the brain. I don't see them as fanciful thinking or even unrealistic as any one thought could become a reality. A friend said it was positive mental reinforcement of goals and ideas...like self programing. That's good, right?
I think a lot of this has to do with my current direction. It's like heading down the highway and seeing a sign for the town you are driving too, saying 5 miles. It's one of those markers letting you know you're going the right direction. You know, I do feel that way. I'm excited for life...and that my friends, is a completely new experience.

Sit in reverie and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Busily Bored

2009-06-03T18:18:00.004-07:00

So it's been one of those weeks that can only be described as over anticipated boredom. I really don't know what the deal is. I lost two days this week to what I call an extenuation of a nap. This means I was really tired and decided to take a short nap which turned into a full night of sleep. I suppose it's just my body's way of saying it's time to shut down and reset. I know I have a tendency to stretch myself thin by running all weekend long and staying up really late during the week but that's just what I do.

I think I need to find something to do to take up my time. I'm not sure what that would be yet but I am working on it. Boredom just seems to be the word of the week. Even my job is as a friend put it so nicely... anticlimactic. With the exception of Sundays, my job is both uneventful and overly boring. Hell, there are days that I just watch movies or struggle to stay awake. I've been known to shoot some hoops, throw a football, or take a bike ride while on the clock. There is more than enough time to do it and believe it or not, it's not frowned upon. Such are the things to help pass the time.

So my free time has been consumed with trying to nail down my Alaska plans. This has turned out to be tougher than expected. A friend has been all over me about this, telling me I need to get stuff booked ASAP. I am working on it. The more I examine the things and places Alaska has to offer the more I realize that I don't have enough time or money to do it all! Do it all...that's what I want to do. Everyday I feel more adventurous. I am beginning to think I will most definitely have to plan a second visit, and it will be planned out well in advanced. Truth be told, I would be happy just taking a kayak trip to some remote place and camp so as long as I could trek across a glacier and maybe see a bear or two. It's funny because that could be on the list for my next trip. As it stands right now, the only thing that I have figured out is that my last three days in Alaska will be spent in Anchorage. I figure there is plenty to see and do. I am highly considering the Alaskan Native Heritage Center among other things. I also plan to visit the university, so that should be cool. I contacted a travel agency to get some extra help and should hear from them tomorrow with itineraries and quotes. Again, I am wanting to much in too little time.
So you could say for being bored, I got a lot to do.

Plane Ticket

2009-05-30T23:41:00.003-07:00

So I have officially booked my plane ticket to Alaska! I am so very excited and August can't get here soon enough. I have a lot of planning to do between now and then and I can't wait. Wow, I really can't believe it. I mean this is something I have wanted to do for so freaking long and it is so happening. I have to give big props to my bud Jon for all his help in getting my ticket. I just don't have the vocabulary to express the feelings I have about this or the gratitude.

So the story of how I got said ticket is one for the books. All I can say is that I sold the wedding ring that I bought for my ex-wife to get it. Think about this for a moment. I took something that was a reminder of a time that was turbulent, unpleasant, and heart breaking and traded it for the chance to realize a dream and create beautiful lasting memories. Talk about closure. It really makes me feel as if I have finally moved on with my life. This ticket represents the beginning of something new and fresh. A page has been turned and the next chapter in the Life of Rod has started. My eyes well up a bit as I sit here and think about. I swear this is all I have been talking about for weeks. I am pretty sure everyone is getting tired of hearing me go over and over about this and it's crazy to think about just being there. I can't find the words to describe what I am thinking right now. I almost feel overwhelmed, but in a good way. The next week or so will be filled trying to get everything booked and laid out but I will be so relieved once everything is said and done. So relieved in fact that I may actually be able to get normal levels of sleep.

Anyhow, my eyes are growing heavy and I have to be up in less than four hours for work. I am sure this is not the last post about this. I end with a quote:

Self-observation brings man to the realization of the necessity of self-change. And in observing himself a man notices that self-observation itself brings about certain changes in his inner processes. He begins to understand that self-observation is an instrument of self-change, a means of awakening.” ~ George Gurdjieff

Compass

2009-05-25T18:35:00.005-07:00

Sometimes this world presents us with many roads but very few maps. We spend so much time trying to find the well paved path that we lose sight of our original destination. We run into detours and consumed by distractions we soon run out of gas. When we finally get up and running again the road has changed, full of obstacles and debris. The idea behind all this is that on our journey through life we all have a destination which through circumstances has a tendency to change to the point that we become lost. Sometimes though, we still end up where we were going. We know people who fall into this category. So what's the secret? How can someone maintain in such a world of chaos? The answer I think is that they have a guiding star, a compass if you will that points the way.
So how do we find our guiding star? That is a question I've been asking myself. I look around at family and friends who seem to "just know" what they are doing. Really, I have spent a great portion of the last two years searching, trying figure out how I got "lost". I slowly have figured out that being lost is not so bad, it gave me time to think and review, to learn about me. Somewhere along the way I realized I have always had that proverbial beacon but I just never noticed. A solid observation really. It seems I have just ignored that little voice, telling me where I am going. The result has been the scenic detoured drive along the highway of my life. It funny that I never figured this shit out sooner. Well not so funny, but interesting none the less. I'm beginning to think that the reason I couldn't figure things out was because I wasn't ready. You feel me? Things have really begun to make sense. I no longer feel the way I use to. I no longer carry the pessimistic views I once had. I actually look forward to waking up in the morning, though I still want to stay in bed a few extra hours. Who doesn't? The point here is that life is not easy, and usually really difficult, but it's so worth it. So where is all of this coming from? Let's just say a couple of close calls have really made me stop and think.

So how about a random thought that fits here?

A little known fact about me is that I carry a compass with me all the time. Ok, so I know it sounds a bit strange, but the idea is that I can always find my way through the world. It's really more of a symbolic ideal than a tool that I use. Honestly, I haven't used a compass since I was a Scout back in the day. The point is that when ever I open my bag, it's there. I used to think that if I got lost, I could find my way home but now I know I'm never really lost at all. I am only exploring this world and home is where I lay my head.

Paint It

2009-05-20T15:13:00.004-07:00

Well today flew by without any major issues other than some gut pains in the morning. My body is apparently still getting use to my new diet. I spent my downtime at work today surfing the net searching for the activities I intend to do during my vacation. I think a little more information is in order.

My vacation is a go. As it stands today, I have 40 hours of vacation time. By the time I plan to leave, I will have accumulated at least 24 more hours. For those keeping track, that's 8 days. I am working on trying to gather comp time days by working through holidays and what not. The more, the better.
So in case I have failed to mention it somewhere, my vacation destination is Alaska. In searching for things I want to do while I'm there, I come to the realization that there is too much to do in one short, 8 day trip. Upon the advice of a friend, I have created a short list of "must do" things and now I'm trying to set everything up. I have also found that some things are cheaper than I anticipated while others are much, much more expensive. All in all I think it will be fun. More so than I have had in a very long time.
I have also decided to take a look at the university while in Anchorage. I have dreams and wishes an in order to fulfill these things, an education is a must. I know I have a world renowned university next door, but sometimes I think we do better by putting ourselves into environments we are less familiar with. I guess what I'm saying is that I will be seriously considering Anchorage as an education destination. A relocation could follow...Only time will tell. I have just come to realize that I no longer have someone telling me what I can't do and have no shackles holding me here. Does this mean I am leaving? Not yet. The point is, life is too short to be held back by anything. All offers are on the table...So to speak.

So again, let's revisit what this vacation means. This is really not a vacation. This is an exploration on the heart and mind. Not a crisis recovery or a soul search. This is about fulfilling a childhood dream a visiting a place that has always held my heart captive. This is about exploring a possible place to live, work, and get educated. This is about following through on and idea, a dream, a goal. This is about expanding my horizons. It's about opportunity. You get me?

Now don't think for one moment that I do anything without much thought. You see, as I have said before, I over think everything! So that being said, it's all about baby steps, or so I am told. It's crazy for me to be thinking like this. For serious. If you asked me last year or even two or three years ago about what I wanted or where I was going I would have had to check with someone else first. Why, you may ask? I always felt my wants and needs could take back seat as long as I could provide for others. This is something I learned from my dad. Well, after 10 years I can say that is wrong. How can you provide for someone if you can't provide the most important thing for yourself? That thing is fulfillment. You know that thing we are put on this earth to do? Yeppers, that be it. To me, an unfulfilled life is not worth living. I know it sounds a little cliche but it's true. So let me stop and smile for a moment...

Last thought:
The future may be unwritten, but I believe it's been painted. The trick is to interpret it. On person's mountain is someone else's hill. Oh, and sometimes you have to bring your own brush.

Thinking

2009-05-17T20:04:00.007-07:00

So I'm sitting here relaxing and listening to some tunes and thinking...lots of thinking.

Thinking is not so bad as long as you're not trying to sleep. So what's running between my ears right now? Well, I am just crazy excited that I'm getting closer to nailing down my vacation plans. For serious. I am like a maniac right now trying to get the cash together for this. I know, I know...I should have had this planned and budgeted out months ago. Well, that's not quite how I work. The crazy thing is that things just keep falling into place. I suppose it shouldn't come as a surprise since the paths were are meant to take usually have that strangely familiar feeling.

So what else have I been thinking about? That my friends would be for another post at another time...Good things come to those who wait, but where is the fun in that? Just know that the older I get the more I enjoy life.

One last thought...
Remember to take the time to see the world through the eyes of a child. Full of wonder and mystery, even the simplest things have meaning to a youngling!

Dad's birthday

2009-05-13T17:59:00.006-07:00

So today is my dad's 50th birthday. It's really hard for me to think about. Dad's 50. He's really reached a milestone. You see he has managed to out live both his father and older brother. I suppose his grit and stubbornness keeps him going. It's hard for me to see my dad the way he is today. His hair is growing lighter, his belly gets bigger and he moves less and less. A little back story is required I think. Ok, so to be clear, my father has always been larger than life, had a fiery temper, a smooth and flawless way with the ladies, dark hair and a young look. Always a man of few yet bone cutting words, he has become soft and hard hearing. I have witnessed the transformation of my dad and I have mixed feelings. I can honestly say that I am happy that my dad is more laid back. Dad's learned at lot over the years and unfortunately I was his guinea pig. So I should explain.

My dad is one hell of an example for me. Crazy as this sounds, he has taught me a lot. You see I grew up with a father who was hard, brutal, and sometimes violent. He was also steadfast and a provider. Never affectionate and sometimes callas, he was a hard man to please. Hard work and sacrifice, that was dad's mantra for me. Because of the things I went through with my father it has created this need to overcome, to be better than he was. Please don't take this post as hate filled or regretful or even negative. You see I love my dad, very much but he learned how to become the person he is by the mistakes he made with me. Those are actually his own words. My siblings never really suffered his wrath, though my sister may disagree. The point is, I am proud to call him Dad. It's taken along time to get to this point. So many wounds had to be mended, so many words had to be taken back, and so many things had to be forgiven. All in all, he turned out to be a good dad...it just took a few years to get there!

So what do I take away from my dad? This my friends is easy. You see I want to be the things my dad wasn't and more. Dad once told me that when I become a father I better never treat my children the way he treated me or there would be hell to pay. That is one thing my father should never worry about. When I become a father I be there and be affectionate. I will love, laugh, play, sing, cry, and be understanding. I will be patient, concerned, caring, supportive, and involved. I want to write more but I can't at this moment. I need to catch my breath.

We are all driven by events in our lives to do great thing no matter how big or small. I can't say what great things will come from my life, but given the chance or the blessing, I will be the best dad that I can be. That is the best gift I could give my father for his birthday.

One last thought. Sometimes we are our parents redemption.

Mom's talk

2009-05-11T17:30:00.003-07:00

Well Mom called today on her way home from work. Seems she just had to join dad in having one of those uber meaningful conversations about life lessons. It's not that I mind, it's just odd. I mean Mom and I are close but these things just don't come up unless something is up. That something is 50. I suppose turning a half century has a tendency to make one reflect upon their life and accomplishments or lack there of. The greatest thing my parents ever did was create my sister and I so it's understandable to reflect on that. All of this just happens to coincide with changes in my life. I've made it no mystery that I have an interest in travel. Well I have taken more steps toward that than they have ever witnessed. I think they worry that one of my destinations may become permanent. I can't say that their worry isn't relevant. I have spent my free time consumed with working out so many details of what I want to do over the next several months. I have a lot to work to do that's for sure. There is a saying; shit or get off the pot and that applies here! I'll be honest, planning is not my strong suite. I do better when I just execute that way I don't over think it. And that my friends is my biggest problem. I over think EVERYTHING.

So to come full circle here, let me elaborate a bit of what Mom had to say. She reviewed her life for me in brief. Seems her biggest risk has made her both full of happiness and yet harbors some sense of guilt. You see in 1994 my mom got remarried. Well this is always a big deal and I took it really hard. I left to go live with my dad. A few months later she moved to Kentucky. For me it was absolutely devastating. I felt lost without my mother. My time with my dad was volatile to say the least. This lead to a relationship that was rocky until recently. Well I was a mix of anger and sadness while dealing with the change. Throw in being a teenager and lookout, explosions highly likely. So for my mom life began anew by moving away but she has always felt guilty for leaving me behind. She doesn't regret moving but it's hard for her to talk about. So this came up today. I explained to her that I have no issues regarding that whole event. I can see things with adult eyes now and I totally understand. I conveyed to her that it is my belief that by her moving it created a stronger bond between us. To this day she need only think about me and 9 times out of 10 I will call. I think...err hope she believes me when I say it's okay. Point is, she found happiness in that decision. This was emphasized to me today. She said let nothing stop you from finding your path, the path only you can walk down. She asked me to reflect on what has led me to this point in my life.

I can say with certainty that I am doing exactly what I feel I should be doing at this moment, meaning I am heading toward a direction that feels more than right...feels natural. Can I say for certain where I will be this time next year? No, but the world is a big place and I am ready to go!

Mom's Day

2009-05-10T17:48:00.003-07:00

So today was a rather long day at work. The work load was heavier than normal but I can't really say I payed that much attention. My thoughts were elsewhere.

I made the rounds this morning with calls to both Grandmas and to Mom of course. They are such wonderful women who combined have been through so much. I really do cherish the time I get to spend with them and when we get to talk. No matter how old I get, I am always their Roddie Joe...*makes me smile! I was basically raised by these women in one way or another. So here's to them on the day we celebrate all Mothers. Salute!

On another note I am getting closer to nailing down my upcoming adventure, which is a good thing. I'm having a brain fart, so this is all I will write for now.

Weekend

2009-05-09T22:49:00.003-07:00

So I'm sitting here trying to unwind from the weekend and wanting to jot down some things.

Where do I begin? Overall it was a great weekend. I got to talk to someone new which is always cool. I love the discovery feeling as every sentence reveals something new. I got some really good insight on an upcoming adventure.

I spent some quality time with my dad. He turns 50 this week. We had one of those heart to heart talks. He shared lessons learned from his 50 years of experience. It was a good talk and one I will remember for some time.

I learned a lot this weekend and am still trying to digest it all. The two things I got out of the weekend are action and happiness.

I got a lot to think about that's for sure. I am really beginning to see the stars align so to speak. It's like there is a great billboard in the clouds saying... Now is the time. Find your happiness!

Ok, so more to come later.

Take a risk

2009-05-07T09:48:00.003-07:00

So it's been one of those days. I stayed up way too late last night, slept like shit, and woke up pissy. The day started rough by waking 25 minutes late which equaled 15 minutes late to work. Super. Then I got one of those phone calls that you know you are going to regret answering. Save the details I hung up to find an email reaffirming the conversation I just finished and them some. So now I really am pissy and wanting to grab a beer and veg out somewhere. We both know that's not happening due to alcohol being prohibited at work and well, it's work. Next thing I know, in walks a coworker, whom is pretty cool and well versed in the area of dealing with the kind of stuff that pissed me off today. We talked about my issues, his issues, and then his solutions to everything. We talked about things on the horizon, places, people, etc. It was a good talk, you know? In the end, his advise was as follows: "Look at your life, the people in it and not in it, your job, family, friends, and all that. Now what scares the hell out of you? What do you want? What's holding you back? Anything? No? Ok, so take a risk!"

Wow, never had words rung truer.

So now I guess I am just waiting to take that risk, but I want to make it count. That my friends is the trick, right?

My List

2009-05-06T15:58:00.005-07:00

So I've mentioned that I have a "list" of places I want to visit, well here it is. Keep in mind that I have had this list since I was a kid.

1. Kodiak Island, AK, USA
2. Cliffs of Moher, Co. Clare, Ireland
3. Stonehenge, Wiltshire Co., UK
4. Machu Picchu, Peru
5. Northern Territory, Australia

6. Glasgow, Scotland, UK
7. Denali National Park, AK, USA
8. Bavaria, Germany
9. The Grand Canyon, Arizona, USA
10. Yellow Stone National Park, Wyoming, USA

So there you have it. The first five are the ones from when I was a kid. I tried to be exact as possible but I would be more than happy to just visit some of the countries of the places I have listed. There are about five more places but that's for another time.

So maybe you are asking yourself why these places? Here is a brief explanation.

1. Ever since I was a little kid Alaska has always intrigued me. I also have a soft and special spot for bears (ask my buddy Jon about the spirit of the bear, funny story). My Great Grandpa used to give me National Geographic mags to look at as a kid and I've been hooked from the first time I saw pictures of the bears in the river. So that tops the list.

2. Part of my family came from County Clare in Ireland in the late 19th century. I used to hear stories of the beauty of the cliffs and country side. Oh, and I love the accent.

3. Are you kidding? Who wouldn't want to see this thing. So much we don't know. Have I mentioned I love Archaeology? You do the math.

4. C'mon, this place screams beauty, ancient history, mystery! The location alone amazes me!

5. It's Australia. I've always had a thing for the place ever since I saw the Dundee movies!

Dig

2009-05-04T19:50:00.002-07:00

I've been debating lately as to what direction I need to move next. I've been slowing saving cash to do two things. One I am wanting to take a trip to Ireland and Scotland. Two, I am have to complete what I could not so many years ago, college.

I realize that in the past I did not have the maturity or dedication obtain the things that I wanted. Things have changed so much. It's all about the capital to finish the job.

I'm pulled toward two directions. On one hand I can continue to work and save and maybe make that trip, or I can adjust my current situation and pursue that degree. The first direction is the easier of the two.

So the thing is, I have to make a decision as to what degree I want. I am kind of all over on this. I know what I've wanted to do since childhood, but I also know what I feel now. See, since I've been a kid I have loved to be outdoors, digging in the dirt. I've always love the search, the mystery of what I may find. Hell, if you were to go to my childhood home and dig near the place I had a sandbox, you will most certainly find many, many toys buried by yours truly. I even buried a box when I was six that contains "treasure". Someday I will go back and dig it up...I think I remember where! Ok, I'm off point now. So when I was a kid I wanted to be an Archaeologist. Not much has changed there. I love the dirt, mystery, and the history or search of.

Now here is where things get, well fuzzy. I am an artistic person. I don't do much with it anymore. A friend tells my I just keep pissing in god's hands, whatever that means. I like to paint, love clay...wait that falls under dirt again! Anyways, I have a talent that I don't use but could and have enjoyed in the past. I feel sometimes I should follow that direction.

I was told this past weekend that I should so be a teacher. You know, I kind of like that idea too. Choices...choices!

One other piece to this puzzle is children. I enjoy working with kids. You could say I am just a big kid myself. I enjoy the time I get to spend with my god children. Somehow those kids allow me to forget the struggles of life, the pain of loss, the chaos that clouds this world. They show me the wonder in the simplest things like a smile or a giggle. Sometimes I think it would do the world a favor by taking time to see things through the eyes of a child.

Hey, am I still on topic or have I been having ADD moments?

So I believe the trick would be to include all those things into my future.

I guess what I am doing here is working out the details of my goal or at least broadcasting it a bit. I know sometimes I seem lost and even like I am drifting but these things always spin around the brain.

So, you wanna dig with me? Let's see what we can find.

Fun.

Godfather

2009-04-30T23:38:00.003-07:00

So it's almost 3 in the morning and pissing rain outside. I'm sitting by myself as usual and thinking quite a lot. I'm reflected on some things...things that have really touched my heart.

Last week I was asked by my buddy and his wife if I would become the Godfather of their two young children. Let's absorb this for a minute. Here I am a newly single guy with out a clue as to what I will be doing next year let alone down the road and they are asking ME? I don't own some fancy house or have an uber good job. I am just me. I think of all the options they had and I was and am still floored by the request. What can I say? I accepted, humbly. To them it seemed natural as I have known my buddy his entire life...no, for serious. I can only hope that I never have to fulfill that duty, but will do so gladly if I must. I love those little buggers and would care for them as my own. I actually look forward to the day that I have my own little ones running around. Until then I intend to be the best damn uncle I can be.

Got to Go

2009-04-30T10:29:00.005-07:00

Wow. I have days (more as of late) that I wake up wanting to hit the road. I am long over due for a major road trip. I guess I have a bad case of the travel bug. Don't get me wrong. I love Ohio and it will always be home, but man I want to go. I have a friend up north in the "Sovereign" as he calls it who has been practically begging me to visit. I don't know, I just want to go, go, go. I wish I had the cash to head out for several months. I think I would take a a few weeks and see Europe, then maybe South America, and finally Alaska and western Canada. I got this list that has all the places I want to go. Since I was a kid the list has not changed much. Anyways, that's the thought that's been running through the brain.

A Start

2009-04-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

I have been wrestling with the idea to create a new blog for some time, but was unsure of the format or if timing was right. I think now is the time for this as I open into a new chapter of my life. The question for me now is how do I write this? In the past I have written what my friend described as a “cryptic” blog which was great for me but hard for others to follow. My last endeavor was basically a soap box for all my rants about whatever pissed me off. I think this go around I will just write what ever comes to mind and in whatever style that flows out. It’s a start.