Today Again

I'm sitting here listening to music and drinking wine. It's not a beer kind of mood. I've spent the better half of my waking time over the past few days thinking and feeling. I've let a series of small setbacks get me down. My impatience with life has gotten the best of me. I've grown frustrated with things...very mundane things. I feel...disconnected. It's not for a lack of trying. Every time I turn around the world presents me with more examples of how I'm just a deviation off. It's my own fault really. My ability to have a meaningful conversation about things really important to me seems to crumble under my inability to accept the criticism from those closest to me. My foundations have been shaken and what was once clear has become muddled and foggy. Life becomes most difficult when I travel without a guiding star.

I wanted to stop writing or at least stop publishing my stuff on here. I worried about what you the reader would say, not in comments but in those moments we are face to face. I've had trouble when questioned about what I write or think. I've felt as if I've been on the wrong side of a punchline. So weird for me to say really. Well, I've decided to say fuck it. I feel that if the reader takes my words out of the context for which I have penned them then they can use their own mind to determine whatever fanciful conclusion best suits them, good or bad. It is what it is. So I humbly apologize for any offending works prior to this or any going forward but as it's been said to me...get over it. It is what it is.

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"