It's been a while since I've posted. I suppose I use my blog to work out thoughts and ideas, voice concerns, bitch, and occasionally cheer. As of late I've been keeping quiet. I've found it's best not to discuss the many things I ponder daily. Some things are best left unsaid. Ya dig? Anyway,on to the normal thought hemorrhage that is this thing.
So it is in my view that my life is always without adventure or excitement and devoid of meaning. Pretty mundane really but that's not all that bad. I suppose the trick is to not accept that, but go with it as far as necessary which is what I do best. I would say that I find no meaning in my life but I think I would be mistaken. I have learned that I'm not really looking and therefore don't see what others seem to. I forget the importance of a helping hand, a friendly touch, or a non-judging ear. I forget the strength you can give someone by just being there for them, understanding them, letting those around you be themselves...completely unfiltered. Meaning, like a great many things is in the eye of the beholder. With that I have come to realize that my life has more significance for others than myself, which is not that bad. I'm not sure why I put such a significance on meaning. I suppose I feel I'm lacking something or that I'm not doing enough. I know there are a great many injustices in this world and yet I sit. Just something I ponder.
I guess this is also my annual year in review post.
2010...
For me, 2010 was just another year. It wasn't as dramatic or as exciting as 2009. It was doomed to be plain from the get go. So that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it. If anything, I can say that 2010 was the year I solidified my philosophic ideals, decided what I didn't want in my life, and grew as a humble human being on this tiny blue dot in the middle of a vast and unknown universe. It was the year that finally got some understanding from my father and allowed my little brother into my world. It was the year that I decided not to tell my mother how I felt about certain issues and just supported her unconditionally. It was the year my Gramma battled cancer for the second time in a decade and it was through her pain and the family conflicts that followed that I found my resolve and my voice.
2010 was also the end of a decade of struggle. So much has happened in the 10 years since 2000 and without rehashing everything I point out a few milestones and what nots.
I started out the decade as a rebellious, pot smoking, beer drinking kid with anger and patience issues. I could barely grow facial hair and was about 20 pounds heavier than I am now. I was working two jobs and was six months into my first apartment. I had just bought my first new vehicle. All my free time was spent fishing, hunting, and partaking in self medication. I didn't care what tomorrow would bring let alone years down the road. I lived in the now...albeit vaguely and irresponsibly. I look back with a bit of fondness in the total lack of responsibility that I had and my ability to take risks. I lived for the moment, almost hedonistic. I think back to the woman I was with...she's married now and has several kids which I found so odd. It's really is strange now, thinking back to that time...
I moved around a lot over the last decade, even jumped to another state for three years. I got married and divorced. I was in debt to my ears and then worked my way free. I owned a house and several cars, all within the decade.
I spent the last 10 years searching for and living out everyone's American dream. You know what? I didn't like it. It's not me. I'm not the 9 to 5'er with the massive mortgage and multiple cars struggling to just breath. I'm not the guy filling a void in his heart with stuff he can't afford. I'm not the iconic family man mowing the yard and barbecuing on Sundays. Does that mean that I don't want some of these things? Not really but as I age I find it less likely.
What I am is the friend, the son, the guy you call for help. The lonely bachelor not so alone with my plant and the quiet solitude of my roost and the piece of mind that I strive to do the right thing always. I'm the drifter, the shoulder, laborer, confidant, the rock, and a barrel of laughs.
I didn't intend on making this post so long. I know that I could have covered so much more from the last decade but why? My story isn't that interesting and I honestly have a hard time remembering. I also apologize for the writing in this post. There are at least four different sessions of writing here put together into one. So if it seems choppy or confusing, you know why. One last thing...
2011...
I don't make resolutions but I do have a few goals for this year. I want to relocate. It's the Pacific Northwest or bust. I need to drop some holiday weight and slow down on my vices...aka da beer. Aside from that I just hope this year finds me healthy and of a logical and sound mind. My best to you and yours...Happy New Year!
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