50 days

It was 50 days ago that I left Ohio and set out on this great adventure. Reluctantly, I towed along my younger brother hoping to give him a better perspective on life. Our journey took us through eight states, ending in Washington. The look on his face as we journeyed through the mountains was priceless. This kid's eyes were seeing a new world for the first time. The journey as is any was not without its stresses. Four days in a vehicle with anyone can make the world seem small and very irritating. We however, did survive and were stronger for it...at least this is what I tell myself. We were put up by friends whom until this journey, I had not met face to face. I am forever grateful for the kindness and hospitality shown to both me and my rather reclusive brother whom spent most of his time stowed up in a bedroom playing Xbox. We were shown the area and all that it had to offer. Our guides did a fantastic job and fed us well. At the end of Labor Day weekend I decided I wanted to stay rather than continue on another 2000 miles to Anchorage, Alaska. This decision changed everything. By the end of September I was stressing about finding work and dealing with my brother's decision to join the Navy. He and I had a conversation about life, optimism, responsibility, family, and friends. I believe this conversation was a catalyst for his departure and Thursday, October 13 he boarded a plane to head back to Ohio, his family, and dearly missed friends. I've not spoken to him since. I hope that he has gained something from this trip and I will have to remember that he is a kid and kids make promises they can't keep. I have to remember that I was not like him at 18 nor did I have the easy life he has had. I have to look past the excuses and say, "well, it was expected." and move on. It's best to look forward and to beyond, allowing the past to settle behind you. Today I have been in Washington for 46 days. It has not been easy. I have made myself sick stressing about money and a job. It's never a good time to just up and leave a stable steady job and friends and family...doubly so in these tough economic times. I have been fortunate and hard times are made easier by having such caring friends who have put up with me for this time. These folks have been unbelievable in providing me with a place to stay and awesomely delicious meals, asking for nothing in return. I am indebted to them for all their kindness. I have a second interview tomorrow with a logistics company on the other side of the Puget Sound. I am a bit apprehensive and say that out of honesty only. The job market doesn't appear to that be that tough out here as there are jobs galore. I unfortunately have a very narrow experience line and I believe this has kept me out of the few jobs I qualify for. There have been interviews, followed by disappointing phone calls of rejection. It has been a learning experience and a humbling one at that. If this does not produce a job then I will have to enact Plan B. This means leaving here and heading back east. I will make a stop in Denver, Colorado in hopes that my family there could assist me for a time. Please keep in mind that this is a mean to an end. I'm not sure that anything would be different there or even if they could assist. I always knew there was a risk of failure but not trying was a greater failure. So if today's results are disappointing then it's on to Denver. If that turns out to be a bust then I will return to Ohio, head held high as I can say...At least I attempted. I write all of this to give the world my perspective on things and where my mind is currently. I've shied away from the social media outlets, keeping my Twitter and Facebook friends in the dark a bit. Sometimes it's best to say nothing rather than fill the world with negative rants and self loathing stories. I have found that there is a common theme coming from those I left behind. It's always the same thing that these well wishers are hoping I find what I'm looking for. Funny thing is, I'm not looking for anything except a new place to call home and an environment conducive to my thinking. I have known for a very long time what it is in this life I want but unfortunately I have always put that aside for various reasons. My dreams have never died and burn brightly in my heart. Those who know me best should be well aware that I don't have the same wants and desires as my contemporaries. I tried living like everyone else and found myself miserable. Perhaps I am destined to always feel this way, inadequate and failing the expectations of others. I cannot dwell on these things. I am mobile and have the luxury of only having to care for myself. This affords me the opportunity to try things that others may not or can not. Please don't disrespect me because you do not understand. Accept my crazy faults and over the top ideas or let me go forever. Know this. I have far too long lived in the shadows of broken dreams. I may not get what I want out of this life but I will be true to myself and can never be satisfied until I feed the hunger inside.